22 April

Bob's been gone for two days.

He said he was going out to find something to eat. (He hates beef jerky, but I don't think its all that bad.) But he never came back. The two guards who left with him didn't come back either. I'm lonely. I've played FreeCell for the last ten hours on my Sony, but the time just won't fly.

On a brighter note, we found an old Panasonic DVD player from like a 100 year's ago in the storeroom, so I was finally able to watch some more of the DVDs we got a hold of two weeks ago. I watched the Ring, twice, and I still don't understand it.

Why did the little girl choose VHS as her killing tool? I mean, I get that she watched TV a lot in that barn her foster father had her in, but I didn't see any VCR. From what I could tell, she was born and died some time during the late seventies/early eighties. They didn't even have VHS back then! Hell, we didn't get so much as Beta here until 1988. So how the hell did that little girl even think to use VHS to deliver her message!?!

They should've picked a different killing instrument. Something that would better fit into her timeline. Like an Etch-a-sketch. Think how spooky that would've been! An Etch-a-sketch writing all by itself "seven days." That would've made me piss my pants easy. Then she could've come out of the Etch-a-sketch.

Signs was silly too. I mean, don't get me wrong, I absolutely love Mel Gibson, but why is everything so preachy lately? Yeah, yeah, we're all connected...no man is an island...I get it. Enough already. And why would aliens that are allergic to water to come to a planet made up entirely of the stuff? Its just stupid. Plus I hate that Phoenix kid. Isn't it about time for him to die of a drug overdose by now? Damn Phoenixes.

Maybe I could write movies when all this is over. I've got a lot of ideas. I came up with a really cool idea for Weekend At Bernie's 3 where the guys take Bernie to a nudist colony, but Bob said it wouldn't make sense anymore, because Bernie would've rotted away by now. He's just like everybody else around here. They all take everything so literally.

None of these guys have any creative instincts. For example, when we were purging my political enemies back in '87, I got really tired from dipping this one guy's feet in boiling chocolate, and I left to take a nap. I told the ministers to continue torturing him until I got back.

Now you have to understand, I 'd spent like eighty-seven grand on this elaborate torture device that would shove pickled cucumbers slowly up the rectal cavity of the victim, I mean, it was really wicked cool. Anyway, when I come back I find that the ministers had gotten impatient with the machine and had just shot the guy with a regular old bullet.

It reminds me of that old Bedouin joke: what do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together? The answer: 100 people who don't do dick.

I wish Bob had been around back then. He at least what have said something really witty and scathing. I miss Bob.

18 April

I am so behind on things.

I just saw the first Matrix movie Tuesday. It was cool, but I felt a little let down. Bob says its because lots of newer movies I've seen have copied the Matrix style.

I feel a lot like Neo, I think. Trapped in a game that is not of my choosing. It can be hard to separate reality from The Machine sometimes, you know? I wish I could fly though. That would come in handy.

Bob says the Americans caught my brother the other day. I don't much care. He's an idiot anyway. He hasn't called me once since this whole thing started. I even wrote him a poem about our situation and had it messengered to him, but he never replied. Jerk. All of the people in my life seem preoccupied with their own concerns. It's never "how are you doing Saddam? What are you feeling?"

People are jerks.

Bob says the second two Matrix movies are coming out, but I probably won't get to see them when they do. I wonder if they would let me see them if I were in the Hague. The Dutch are supposed to be really friendly. I bet they would.

I was thinking the other day that it would be so much easier to just let myself get captured. I mean, what's the worse they can do? Bob says they've outlawed the death penalty in Europe, but the Americans might claim jurisdiction.

Sigh. It doesn't look like being Dictator of Ushbat is going to work out. Turns out there's no such place. The Republican Guardsmen were just fooling with me. I may never get to be a dictator again, which really sucks. These Guards don't even get into the spirit of things anymore. The other day I told them to take out the piles of trash that were sitting in the corner of the bunker. They just sat their and pretended like they didn't hear me.

If all of what's going on isn't enough, the DVD-ROM drive that attaches to my Sony U1 broke. I told Bob to make sure they got me another one ASAP, but he said it might be a week or two. Apparently my Sony is "not a priority right now." I hate Bob.

I'm so depressed. I just want to shoot something or have sex with it. I wonder if God ever feels like this. Bob is just like Satan. He's all personality and no substance. Everybody likes him instead of me. Just like Satan and God.

My ass hurts. I hate concrete floors. I had a pillow, but we forgot it in the last bunker. Hemmeroids suck.

14 April

So we are on the road again. It totally sucks except that I was able to get a copy of Che Guevara's journal from when he was in Mexico, and it is great. Bob says that I am much more of a revolutionary than Che, but I don't know. That sort of thing is hard to measure.

Bob (Mohammed hates when I call him that) was going on and on about how Che was just an American puppet. I was laughing pretty hard in the beginning, but then Bob just got too mean about it. He called Che an imperialist automaton, and I started getting irritated.

I shut him up by slapping him in the face and calling him an illigitimate son of Israel. Let him think about that for awhile.

We've decided to raise money for my campaign in Africa by selling t-shirts with Bob's picture on it. I'm told he's become quite a pop-cultural icon in Europe. They think he's funny. I hate Bob.

12 April

We're in a bunker in...well.. I can't say. But the place has this stupid yellow and pink wallpaper with pictures of ducks and angels on it. I don't know who the hell put together these bunkers, but its really ridiculous. The things you don't think about when you're designing underground bunkers. Like, am I gonna be comfortable? Will these colors become annoying and intrusive over time? Damn Tirik. I asked for a blue bunker back in 89. I remember that for sure. I've read that the color blue is very soothing.

On the bright side I've lost like fifteen pounds in the last two weeks. I tried that Atkins diet a few years ago and lost like twelve pounds, but that didn't stay off long. Who wants to give up bread anyway? This diet of running around and skipping brunch is much better. I still get to eat all the bread I want.

We've been looking through a set of Michelin guides we picked up in the last town we passed through. Bob says we have to get out of Iraq soon. I don't wanna go, but he's that sure we've lost to the Americans.

Anyway, we're trying to figure out where I could be dictator next. I was thinking someplace in the Caribbean, but Bob says thats out of the question, so we're looking at small African countries. Have you ever heard of Ushbat? Well its a country and I'm going to be leader there probably. It'll be fun I think. They don't have a Baath Party or anything. Just some Subufuffus or some damn thing. They've never heard of national socialism, so I think I've got a real good chance of winning them over.

11 April

I woke up with toothpaste on my eyelids and mustache again. These Republican Guard guys are really great. We have fun all the time. Yesterday we decided to play tag in this field of bombed out tanks, and this one Guard, Arif, kept tagging everyone out within the first thirty seconds of him being It. He was all laughing and panting and proud of himself. So I pulled out my revolver and shot him in the foot and yelled, "so who's the fastest now!" We all laughed really hard.

The bad news is it looks like the Baath Party is gonna break up. I hate that George Bush. Both of those Bushes suck. Barbara seems nice though. The grandkids seem funny too. They're always in the news here.

Calif told me that my palaces have all been bombed and looted. Those damn soldiers better not steal my murals! Sonsabitches. Some of my favorite portraits of me were in Basra. You know, once I tried to get the people who make the LiteBrite thingamajigs to put together a special order where you could make a portrait of me from the LiteBrite pieces. The guy over at LiteBrite just hung up on me. What a jerk. I think it would've been really cool.

9 April

So did you know that Iraq used to be Mesopotamia? I was reading an old copy of Let's Go Iraq we found lying around, and apparently Iraq was like the king of the whole world a long time ago. Man that must've been cool back then. They even beat Egypt. Goddamnn Egypt. Those people suck. I went to school there you know.

Anyway, Bob says that Mesopotamia was this huge empire that were the forerunners of Greco-Roman art and architecture. Turns out all those stupid Greeks ever did was copy Mesopotamians. Greece. I've never been there, but they're supposed to be really stinky. Maybe I could rule Greece after this. They hate Turks and so do I. I bet we have alot in common. Feta cheese is pretty good, and I really liked that Big Fat Wedding movie. I watched it on the Sony U1 laptop we bought right before I left Baghdad. (I wanted the Sony U3, but you can only get them in Japan and nobody would ship it to me.)

Still, the Sony U1 is cool. Its reaalllly small. it comes with Windows ME, but I had the guys in Baghdad put Linux on it. That Bill Gates has enough money. I hate Microsoft. Bill Gates is supposed to be a big billionaire and all, but I'm sure I had more money than him.

Man I miss being the king of Mesopotamia.

7 April

I'm really getting to know Bob (Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf) in a whole different way. I call him Bob just to irritate him. Thats what the Brits call him: Baghdad Bob. Before all this, him and me never really spoke. Now he's with us as we try and get out of Iraq.

Bob has lots of nice things to say about me and our situation. He really makes me feel better about the war and all. He says I'm the greatest liberator the Middle East has ever known and I believe him.

He's been teaching me to speak english better. Its real hard. Still, Bob says, if George Bush can speak it so can I. And thats true.

Bob says the Americans and British will eventually get tired of invading Iraq and just leave. I sure hope so. I'm bored. I haven't killed anybody in two weeks. You get to miss things you usually take for granted when you're on the road. The other day I shot a Shiite peasant who came up to the car to shake my hand. But it just wasn't the same. He sort of scurried off into the sand and I couldn't see what happened. Maybe I did kill him, but it would've been better if I could tell for sure.

I hate Americans! Tony Blair sucks too, plus Bob says he's gay. All British people are gay, Bob says, and I believe him. Especially that Four Funerals guy. I don't care if he did get caught with a female prostitute. The Saddamometer reads: GAY!

6 April

So I've decided to keep a web blog going so that I can record my daily thoughts and feelings for posterity. I've been keeping a journal for years, but not one for everybody else to read. Sometime soon I think I'll have Mohammed or Calif type up my old journals so everybody online can see them.

Anyway, just to let you know, I am not dead. I almost died a week ago, but then I woke up in a caravan outside of Baghdad with a killer headache and someone's finger in my mouth. It was Calif and he was telling me we were heading to Iran to "escape the Americans."

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?! The dumbass was actually going to take me to Iran to "eacape." What a dipshit. I told him we should go to Syria, as the Iranians kind of hate me and all. He only wanted to go to Iran cause his cousin is a mechanic there. Stupid bastard. He was trying to tell me that Syria would just turn us over to the Hague for war crimes. Hmmm...Iran or the Netherlands...let me think? Idiot.

Amsterdam is supposed to be a cool place. I have pictures from when Mustaf went. There's this one where he's in a hotel room with three Albanian whores and this HUGE bong! It is soooo funny! I had it made into a mural except I had Tarik put my face in place of Mustaf's. Mustaf looked irritated about it, but I just stared at him and told him that he'd never been to Amsterdam. Then he started crying.

Stealing memories is nearly as fun as killing people.